I Want To Be Free


Today was a very important day in my Spiritual Development. There's a lesson that's taken me years to understand, and hopefully, by my sharing it, I will be able to help you  move through your lessons with a little more grace and ease than I did.

And possibly a little faster too!

I distinctly remember the day I was in high school, as a sophomore, and I realized there really wasn't anyone in the school who was a good 'match' for me. It felt strange. It felt lonely. And I felt sad. Up until then I had thought that I'd be on the same 'track' as everybody else. I felt like I was 'different'.

When I started dating Mark, Spirit told me--loud and clear--'You are making the worst mistake of your life!'.  That was when I didn't even know what Spirit was. And I just wanted for something to 'go right' for me. Tom, my high school boyfriend, had broken my heart in the freshman year of college. It had been a blow because I had thought we were perfect for each other.

What was happening was that my childhood trauma was just under the surface. Even though I wasn't conscious of it, the protections of having a buried memory took a lot of energy out of me, and I did odd things like walk extra safe routes to school/classes just so 'I wouldn't be another statistic'. People in Junior High had their laughs because they knew how jumpy and easily startled I was if they sneaked up behind me. It was like, PTSD but people didn't know what it was or any of the symptoms then.

After Mark and a failed marriage, I found I was what they call a 'drunk magnet'. That's all I would attract. I got kind of tired of it. Even in medical school, I hadn't remembered Carrie the Hungarian babysitter who was alcoholic and neglected me. When she finally would come after I'd screamed my lungs out for hours in my crib, she'd smell of alcohol on her breath, and deep down inside I associated that with everything is going to be all right. 

I married Frank in residency. That one wasn't much better. But I grew a lot. And after that and Jared, Anthony's father, I stepped up and learned about my psychic gifts. 

Jared, unfortunately, walked out on me in the middle of a pregnancy massage he was giving me, because I was sharing with him I was seeing angels at the time, and he couldn't' deal with it. He was psychic and could see auras. But my talking with angels and having conversations was a little 'too much'.

I wondered so much what was there for me to look forward to in this earthly plane?

According to Sylvia Browne, people like her -- and me? perhaps?-- draw the Loner/Humanitarian card. She had three disastrous marriages. It wasn't meant to be. So her advice was, live a good life and go Home.

At least I had a son, right?

In Jeff Brown's book, SoulShaping, there's a whole bunch of chapters about Rachel, a woman he met at a Zen conference. Sex with her was mind blowing, otherworldly, blasting open all his blockages and helping him to see a new way of looking at the world. But even though he had plans to marry her, they fought. She got back with her old boyfriend. And a wise counselor told him that Rachel was an angel, she was there to show people what was possible, but she would never marry and she would never find what she was looking for.  

That one resonated, but it felt like a curse.  (our doorbell just rang and there was nobody there, by the way. Odd.)

I fought that one with all my might for a long, long, very long time.

My counselors, who helped me many years with postpartum depression (after hormonal changes from pituitary surgery), abandonment during pregnancy, and relationship troubles with all three(Mark, Frank, Jared)--I learned my PTSD was as good as it was going to get, I was high-functioning, and basically it would never go away. I'd have to live with it.

People like Hope Johnson teach that we are all LOVE. Everything else is a lie. And I see the truth and resonate with that.

Around 2013, Ross came through for me, from the Other Side.  He was a vast improvement over Jared, and at last I discovered compatibility energetically. But we have had our troubles in our past lives, and healing through them hasn't exactly been fun.

So, I wanted to be able to function 'normally'...to interact with a significant other who is incarnate...because I felt like anything else wasn't 'real' and in a way I was 'giving up'.

It even got to the point where I just closed my ears off and wanted to 'do my own thing'. Quickly I realized the futility of it all. And wrote about surrender.

Remember how I said interesting things happen when you are in that state? I just read a book today, all in one sitting, called How To Enter Her Vortex. I bought it from a J Malik guy on FB. It was an easy read, large print, and very clear about the energetics of relationship. As in how the system is supposed to work. And how it is working. 

I got a lot of very clear insights. That's not the topic for our blog today. I had been working WITH Ross for a couple days to heal my inadequacies/scars/failures.  And today, we had a heart to heart, me and Ross, on how even though I supported his work/Purpose with everything I had, as basically tantric partners chosen from early age in our religion we had growing up, he had disappointed me and hurt me by abandoning me later in his ministry. If you want details, read way back in the blog about what happened to our son Benjamin. Or how I was attacked/raped by village men in Ross' absence. Repeatedly. Today I understood it was getting awkward for me to be around the men he traveled with, they resented my presence, and that's why I ended up staying home. Ross apologized.

I appreciated that.

He and Merlin came through today, to help me heal. I could see that a big part of it is letting go of how I perceive myself as being 'damaged'. Merlin says there's nothing that could cover who I am, truly, inside. And Ross concedes that even through trauma isn't 'real', it can have its affect on us when we are in the physical, and it can be very harsh and difficult to cope with. 

Between the chat, and also, the J Malik talk about how things are supposed to work, I understand more. I am whole. I am Love. There are some areas in this life, where I couldn't really develop, and I have to do 'catch up growth'--emotional, communicating, trust--that sort of thing. My Divine Feminine energy is healthy, and I am encouraged by this, even happy to be able to ramp it up and enjoy it. The fatal flaw in my upbringing I didn't see, was how Dad couldn't support us at the beginning, mom had to work, and also, he had a lot of belief in scarcity and lack. As a child, a female child, growing up I absorbed that like a sponge. It wasn't like in Marks family where money just accumulated if you didn't spend it, so they saved, all of them together, on just his dad's one income. 

It's like the pieces of a puzzle just fit, out of the blue, and I'm very, very thankful for the book about the Vortex. 

Now I get to make dinner.

So, in summary, we have our challenges. With Spirit, and being connected to Source/The Divine, these challenges are not insurmountable. And we can petition Spirit for what we want/desire for our soul to grow and heal. 

And as an aside, Anthony out of the blue invited friends over. And out of the blue, they wanted me to make lunch. So I did. I was very happy, so were the boys they were laughing and playing their games. It was very nice.

We are given EXACTLY what we need at any given time. That's why life is such a precious gift. <3

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,



Ross and Carla

The teacher and student--just for today <3