How Femininity Saved Me From Being Single and Dying Alone
I was once dumped by the very man I lived with today and have lived with for the past three years. Had I chosen to be right about his dumping me and not entertain the offer and opportunity to be his friend, I would still be single because I would have continued to want to be right and blame. I almost lost the opportunity to be his friend.
I was upset that he thought it was okay to “friend-zone” me. This was in my mind, not his. He was someone who always had platonic relationships with girls since childhood — whether they were attractive or not. I was letting my upset feelings be right, and hold that against him because I was offended!
Can you imagine yourself in such a situation? How often might you have missed the opportunity to really know someone because you chose to be right about something?
What your emotions are doing
Emotions are subconscious. You may get triggered by various posts or words that I use.
I do not get offended when I’m called a misogynist. I laugh at it because I cared to know myself through sitting with extremely uncomfortable emotions encountered in my meditations. Anger was at the top of that list. But only once I sat with it (without running away from it) did I realize that anger is not the primary emotion. There are other emotions underneath anger such as deep sadness and regret. There are others but let’s stick with these two for context.
Having a narcissistic person for a parent leaves you absolutely paralyzed as a human. You can’t make any decisions for yourself because you’re always seeking their approval and validation for everything. And this human right here, yours truly, was forced into an arranged marriage. I lost the person whom I thought I would marry and have a family with. My dreams died at someone else’s will because I chose to please my narcissistic parent.
I dealt with all the anger I had towards my parent. I overcame the grief and loss of love. I overcame bitterness and my feelings of loneliness in my arranged marriage.
I was an unconscious people-pleasing doormat who complained about being walked all over. My dear reader, where was the personal responsibility in that behavior, I ask you?
I knew if I didn’t end the misery I was in, it would continue on and affect my other relationships — the most important one that I had with my own child. If I hadn’t encountered motherhood, I probably wouldn’t be the person that I am today.
I’m intense and introverted (INFJ). I feel intensely and do things with intensity. I do not know another way to be. I’ve embraced who I am. I’ve been called a bitch for wanting out of my unhappy marriage. I wish those people peace.
The sun doesn’t give a damn about who it blinds. If you can’t handle my heat, leave, but you will probably miss out on discovering the precious gold that lies within you. Maybe you’re not ready yet.
I’m a woman at peace and if you are single and serious about attracting a man — not an immature guy, a man — then resolve to mature yourself.
Blaming leaves you powerless
Blaming very easy. People do it all the time. I was blaming my mother for everything. But that meant giving my power to her, and the bullying thoughts triggered by her painful words long after she had lost her power over my adult self, leaving me powerless to change my life.
You are welcome to leave your comments if you are offended. It doesn’t bother me. Why? Because I’ve cared to reparent and reinvent the woman I am today.
I chose to empower myself. I know as a woman what values I bring to the table. I knew why I wanted a relationship and it’s because I had a lot of love to give. I don’t do half-assed things. I don’t know how to. I’m all in. Why? Because I was there for myself when I had no one around — not a single friend, not one human on Earth to call my own.
I knew bringing bitterness from my past experiences would only color my future experiences with people (and they did). I attracted narcissistic friends, bosses, and guys on dating sites because I had unresolved trauma living in my body. My body vibrates at a different frequency now and even if I attract narcissists, I am now able to get back to my equilibrium quickly.
When you blame, you lose because you give away your power.
When you blame, you are a victim you see yourself as something wrong or bad that happened to you and that you have no control over that or the ability to change that.
Care for yourself enough to ask yourself if that’s true.
I know it’s easier to blame than to take personal responsibility because then you don’t have to deal with the horrible emotions — guilt, anger, helplessness, fear, or emptiness.
Embracing those long ignored and buried emotions is where your power lies. Accepting and owning your mistakes is when you empower yourself to change them. Accepting that you are not perfect is when you feel less offended.
I’ve done this work for over 13 years and I’ve shared my journey of self-love. I walk you through the 11 Strategies To Free Yourself From Your Past, Embrace Your True Identity & Develop Unshakeable Confidence in my book WIRED FOR SELF-LOVE
It is after doing this work that I came to realize my true power as well as step boldly into my femininity. I’m at peace within. Nothing on the outside can affect it or take it away from me and that is my power.
I will repeat myself and scream from mountain tops — this is what a man wants:
A woman who knows what she wants, goes after it and is at peace with herself. Men don’t want drama queens. Being a drama queen means a woman is not at peace with herself.
For even more clarity, I invite you to look at the following two lists of states and figure out which states you find yourself in most often.
If you want to become better at receiving, you may consider spending more time in the receptive states.
Let go of pride. Be in gratitude. Serve your man.
As a woman, I take great pleasure in serving my man just as he does in serving me as his woman. Think about how you feel if someone tried to change you so that they liked you better. Doesn’t feel right, yeah?
Don’t hope or try to change the man you are in a relationship with. You’ll hurt and burn yourself.
Resolve to change yourself. That’s the only place you have any power. That’s the only thing you have control over anyways.
I cannot tell you how beautiful a space this is to live in. With the right person, I promise you, you’ll have no doubt about where you stand in your relationship. He will not mislead you. He’ll be committed to you and only you.
I want my story to give you hope that these men are out there. Despite your past experiences, there are men who are dying to meet a powerful woman to commit to.
Women’s independence is useless and pointless without emotional independence. Independence includes emotional independence. Personal responsibility is at the heart of emotional independence.
Personal responsibility means understanding your emotions deeply so that you stop projecting them in your relationships, causing drama. Firstly, personal responsibility will change your own life. It will build your best relationship with yourself.
Are you wired for the best relationship with yourself? Are you ready yet to do the work? Without this work, you’ll continue to have the same old experiences with half-assed uncommitted guys who are yet to grow up to be strong, responsible men.
I kept having the same experiences on dating sites. Different guys — same problem. I noticed the pattern. I didn’t just see them, I studied them just as I studied my emotions. I peeled the layers of the onion and placed them on the table like pieces of a puzzle — The biggest puzzle I needed to understand in order to resolve.
Then I came across a dating and relationship coach couple. Through their program, I learned to value myself as a woman.
I learned to take personal responsibility for my choices in the guys I was meeting. Meaning if I am meeting shitty guys, I cannot complain because I am the one choosing to meet them. I cannot complain that there are no good men out there. I have no right to project on the guys I’m going on dates with by being upset with all men. It’s not right.
I took all my dates as experiments where I could witness myself my interactions and how the guy responded.
This helped me stay detached from the stories in my head, my fantasies and illusions and see the guy for who he is.
I also learned to tap into my feminine essence. Dropping my checklists, I learned to receive compliments better and gracefully.
I learned how men are different in that I needed to communicate to them differently so that I get the message across to them of my interest in taking the relationship further and not being afraid of rejection.
I learned that I had to be vulnerable. This bit was easy for me because I was already doing a lot of work on myself separately through meditation, learning public speaking, and storytelling. I had done the hard work of accepting myself for who I am.
That’s why I say storytelling and meditation changed my life.
All of these things — meditation, storytelling, writing and public speaking really helped me slow down my thoughts and witness the emotions that those thoughts and memories evoked. The more I practiced meditation, the more aware I became of the parts of me that I was hiding from myself.
Those are the parts that seek your acceptance and validation from you. No one else in the world can do that for you. Remember this.
I was the one protecting myself. I was too afraid to let my guard down. How did that affect me? Well, my heart was not open. Which means neither could I give love nor could I receive any.
If you’re a woman, ask yourself how open you are to receiving. Do you gracefully accept compliments?
Do you have the ability to sit with yourself without any distractions in total silence and witness what’s going on inside you?
If yes then you are one step closer than other women who choose to ignore their emotions by keeping themselves busy or distracted.
I know this is not easy. This is self love 101. I highly recommend you begin the process of getting to know yourself. Don’t be afraid to go on that journey alone. This is where you’ll discover your strength as a woman.
Only when you know yourself deeply, be with yourself for better or worse, will you be able to know how valuable you are and what values you bring to a relationship. If you’re serious about finding a partner, ask yourself:
- Why should a man choose you over thousands of other women?
- What gifts do you bring as a woman?
- Besides the relationship, what do you pursue in life that adds to your happiness?
Most people on dating sites are looking to fill a void inside them from the outside. Meaning they want the other person to love them when they themselves do not know how to love themselves.
Now isn’t that totally messed up?
Relationships are about give and take
Besides, most people are looking to take from relationships without knowing what they have to give.
Relationships are like a bank. You have to deposit love just like you deposit money before you can withdraw from your relationship bank. Makes sense?
Here’s how knowing yourself will help you:
- When you know yourself, you will know the value you bring. Meaning you won’t be afraid of rejection from guys because they are not the right one anyways.
- When you know what you want, you won’t be afraid to ask the right person.
- When you are more at peace within, you’ll be way more ready and open to receiving love from a man.
I want you to experience this. It’s one of the most beautiful things you can ever experience as a woman:
– Safety in a man’s warm embrace.
– The ability to let go. Trust him, yourself and surrender.
– To go where he leads you, because no matter where you go with him, you know you will both be all right.
I want you to experience this bliss. I write this with tears in my eyes and tingles around my neck and shoulders. Sometimes I have to pinch myself and tell myself this is real. I’m with the most beautiful man in the safest relationship ever. I feel like the luckiest woman on Earth.
The “I’m right you’re wrong” will break your relationship. I want you to know that ego doesn’t have a place in a relationship like this in love.
This type relationship will be the most healing relationship you will ever experience. You and your partner will be coming together for a higher purpose.
You have to believe in the existence of this relationship and believe in yourself like no one’s business. That alone is what got me where I am today — love it or leave it.
Emotionally mature men want a woman at peace with herself who has something she aspires to do, be and have for herself and the relationship.
Think. How can you support your man? How will you serve in your relationship?
You will only be able to give to the relationship fully only once you know yourself, what you want and have taken care of your emotions and mess.
If you want an emotionally available man, be emotionally available to yourself. If you want a strong man, resolve to become a woman at absolute peace with yourself.
I promise you this — what you seek is also seeking you. The universe will deliver what you desire. Are you clear about what you desire and why you desire it? You do not get what you want. You get who you are. What you vibrate you will attract. I promise you.
What difference will having a relationship make in your life? Take this question as an exercise and write down your answers:
- Why do you want a strong emotionally available man?
- What difference will he make in your life?
- What gifts will you bring to the relationship?
Resolve to take care of your drama
Drama brings you attention good or bad. But does it resolve your problem — whatever in you that seeks attention?
Are you okay for men to hold the door open for you without feminism playing out?
Lastly, let me also share the eye-opening study of how being on the pill affects you, your hormones, and your behavior.
Jordan Peterson — The Birth Control Pill
Now you may go ahead and still call me a misogynist or you may thank me for opening your mind. It makes zero difference to me.
Your embracing of femininity and being at peace with yourself will make the world a difference — that’s what I care about. That’s what I want. That’s what matters.
You have a lot to think about. I hope this story serves you in the highest way.
Thank you for your time. Thank you to the editors at The Good Men Project.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
|White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism||Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box||The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer||What We Talk About When We Talk About Men|
Photo credit: Shutterstock.com
The post How Femininity Saved Me From Being Single and Dying Alone appeared first on The Good Men Project.